Archive for July, 2006

black cat white cat

since turning 22, i find it a lot harder to watch films. my eyes are fine, but i’m a losing a bit of that suspension of disbelief ting, and increasingly the credits are accompanied by thoughts of “if only they’d killed orlando bloom off in the first scene, it might have been tolerably bad…”. so props to black cat white cat for being the first film i’ve seen in a long while that was so perfectly brilliant that even if i wanted to get on my high donkey and pick it apart, i would be completely lost. any film that features the line:

Shut up when you’re speaking to me

delivered by a vampire in oval gold-effect sunglasses needs nothing more said, so i’m off shopping

he's not a vampire, but he's got the style

some guy said…

i find it impossible to listen to limp bizkit, but i do love nookie…

this is pleasing on several levels. mainly that most punk-ass kids who wouldn’t know good metal if it pillaged their village probably haven’t heard of limp bizkit these days.

preferences, current

i was going to make falafel but i didn’t have the time. i ate a fairtrade energy bar.
i was going to rent the library’s whole bob marley collection and listen to nothing else all day. i got exodus, then was distracted by king tubby and james brown live at the appollo 62. i listened to them, jens lekman on phoning it in, and then it’s been herman dune on repeat ever since. i just want to get those indierockbrothers and caputre them in a little box so i can hear them all day.
i had to stop wearing my shorts, cos my girlfriend was beginning to enjoy pointing out how dirty they were. i thought my pyjamas would be equally cool, but i was wrong.
i have been thinking about moving into this one house in camberwell so long i’m almost sick of it.

do a little thing

i almost choked on my free goya poster on tuesday, reading my independent. apparently their fiercely independent stance now includes employing dominic lawson to continue hauling out the simpering conservative waffle he passed off as comment for ten years at the telegraph. fortunately i didn’t know this history when reading the article, so i was able to try and swallow his blinkered splurge before i was forced to choke on it.

it can be informative to pick up on a phrase that the media is currently overusing and analyse it. lawson picks up on ‘disproportionate’, subjects it to his high-powered analysis and conclude that the vagaries of parliamentary democracy permit firing rockets onto villagers you have commanded to evacuate their homes. at the time of writing 400 lebanese and 42 israelis have died in this conflict. lawson argues this is ‘proportionate’, because of the nature of the threat to israel and the prevalence of fanatics within hezbollah. now everybody got fanatics. but to even begin analysing this situation in terms of what ratio of deathtoll is supposedly acceptable, well i’d rather turn my putrid carcass over to a mcdonalds processing plant. even accepting the sickening concept of ‘just war’ and ‘offensive defense’, whether military action with a supposedly humanitarian goal is proportionate can only be judged by whether it is effective in it’s goals. how many rockets we can justify after they fired two rockets at us is logic that the densest playground bully knows, deep down, is flawed. and starting a war you can’t win, which makes your previously unpopular enemy stronger and has less chance of getting back your missing kids then a missing ad on a milk carton, well, A for effort and Z fucking minus for delivery.

do slightly more than nothing, sign this “yo blair, quit bending over for more and simply ask people to stop firing rockets at UN observer posts petition from oxfam. perhaps it does no good. but when reactionary warmongers coming right out and delcaring that OUR prime minister’s lack of balls is directly providing them with carte blanche to fight a pointless, bloody war that some people even believe is going to end the world, it’s probably time ask him to speak up.

it’s so obvious that even the daily star knows it. stop all war now.


it is pleasing that my passage through war & peace is marked incremently by creases crawling up the spine. also by crosswords becoming marginally easier.

it is pleasing that the only type of bath my house is capable of providing (cool) is finally the type i want.

it is pleasing to be hamstersitting for lucy. it would be more pleasing if it wasn’t terrified of me. poor thing goes straight for the tunnel whenever i open the lid of his aerial beddroom. wierd thing is, i left it open for ages to see if he would venture back up, and he didn’t move untill i put the lid back on. he cannot see the lid unless he has eyes in his hamster bottom. oddity.

no no noooooo

dawn penn. yes.

you don't love me, and i know now

so i’m sitting in the alley, typically…

it’s hot, and dub and breezes are wafting around. this i am all for. oddly appropriately, sand is everywhere. you go to the beach for one little day, and sand follows you around the rest of the summer. there is sand on my computer! i did not take my computer to the beach, i am not that guy. i am, however, the guy who is forgetting about the sand by shaving all old school. with a brush. and a three blade xi-tech-duper razor. could i get more hemingway if i was slugging mojitos and beating on sharks?

white rich dudes lose their minds, world over, shocker.

i am not an unreasonable man. i can understand why the parents, friends, and hey even most compatriots of some kidnapped young men would feel like bombing the shit out of those they thought responsible. i can even understand why the US would veto a resolution calling for the release of the kidnapped men and the end of violence in the region. i can just about comprehend why the US would want to give Israel a week to play with it’s missiles before calling for a ceasefire. and i can understand that for every individual involved in the arab-israeli war, the weight of precedence on their shoulders and their own pressing individual interests are much more keenly felt than the obvious need to abandon tactics that have been killing people and destroying countries for over thirty years with no discernable achievement.

what i can’t understand is that for thousands of yanks gathered together in Washington, the recent bloodbath around the israel-lebanon border is a welcome affirmation of their mystical scriptures which they believe prophesises that God’s people will create Israel in order to fuck shit up for dirty foreign unbelievers, culminating in a world war, cue anti-christ, jesus christ, Armageddon. yeah, it’s his idea:


this is john hagee. apparantly, when you look like that, being one of the highest-paid televangelists of 2001 is no compensation.* he has to take it out on the poor morons who believe his peculiarly fire-and-brimstone flavoured brand of hokum. 40 million of them are right behind him, by his count. i can’t quite repeat it without exploding with incredulity, so here is how the BBC summed it up:

His latest book, Jerusalem Countdown: A Warning to the World, interprets the Bible to predict that Russian and Arab armies will invade Israel and be destroyed by God.

This will set up and confrontation over Israel between China and the West, led by the anti-Christ, who will be the head of the European Union, Pastor Hagee writes.

That final battle between East and West - at Armageddon, an actual place in Israel - will precipitate the second coming of Christ, he concludes.

There is no clearer cry for help than predicting imminent Armageddon and supporting the arms trade to the country you believe to be causing it. shame he has to lose out the weeks most hilariously perverse award to the charming inhabitants of this next photograph:

anyone for tennis?

I’m not sure if it’s the 18,000 attentive pairs of ears at his Church each week, or the warm fuzzy glow of the TV cameras that have skewed Mr Hagee’s perception, but I can’t help but think my chances of having a rational conversation with the Klansmen in pink are monumentally greater than me getting on with Mr Hagee. His considered views on a swift, well-executed, plutoniom-fuelled planet-ending solution to the middle east crisis are available at the ever-reliable I for one will be heading straight there, drooling with excitement to see how the great man smooths out this particular philosophical crease:

Hagee skillfully unveils the reasons Islam and Israel cannot dwell peaceably together as he paints a convincing picture explaining why Christians must support the Holy Land… is still currently available.

*i don’t know what the needles are like round his way, but i’d be worried…
get that through they eye of a needle then

i had a dream

and in it i scored the winning goal at the world cup final. everyone was delighted, particularly because i had done so as goalkeeper. the ball rebounded heroically off my head and into the back of the net. my victory was only marred by the misrepresentation of my surname by FIFA officials and the media. at no time has my name been mcbarrett.

i ain’t listened to no manics for some time

which is not a bad thing. but this morning i became confused. to me at least, the manic street preachers had secured a legacy of dreary, righteous, politically aware dad-rockers who plodded along on the legacy of another tragically mis-guided attention seeking moron. and now i discover that they feel thusly of Richard Nixon, 37th President of the United States and Greatest Crook of All Time.

In all the decisions I have made in my public life,
I have always tried to do what was best for the nation.
I have never been a quitter.

Now I cannot say I have ever been even slightly endeared to Nixon for even a moment. I have, perhaps, been known to equate him with a fallen angel I don’t even believe in, with the footnote that I have no knowledge of him every having had anywhere to fall from. But my research is insufficiently thorough, and the need to go the beach to pressing, to fully appraise his career here. What concerns me is that his unashamed efforts in retirement to promote his foreign policy achievements to a level where they overshadow his baseless corruption seem, in my experience, to have been successful.

It seems that the lasting legacy of the present Bush in White House will be one of equating self-interested corruption with incompetence. Looking back at Nixon whilst the world is run by a cabal so complacent they don’t even have to finish one little-brown-country-bashing war before they start the next one, the use of diplomacy to end a war admittedly seems the work of a man so wise and selflessly devoted to his country he should probably head a minor religion. But hold up! Is it not just possible that way back in that golden post-hippy era, a few popular and effective policies were actually necessary to keep you and your cronies in office for the next, ooh, 35 years? We are so used to the Campaign to Re-elect the President employing half of the US media, that it is easy to forget that back in Nixon’s day they were forced to resort to the tactics of common criminals. Let us spare a thought for tricky dicky, selfless and devoted founder of America Inc.